Since SNL is the only show I watch consistently other than That 70s Show, and since it has such a long and illustrious history, it gets its own web page. Note : People, if you imagine the actors saying these things, trust me, they're a lot funnier and less random. For example, for anything involving Chris Kattan, you have to hear a whiny voice saying the quote.
The Ladies Man
"Ooooohh.......its a lady...."
"Ok, yeah, that is just disgusting....."
"Ok, yeah, what exactly is that?
I got my Courvoisier, I got my Starr report....yeeahh..
I have had my wang mouthified while doing many things, for example, mowing the lawn, washing the dishes, doing the laundry, but never while talking to a Congressman, so, Mr President, I salute you.
Valentines Day is always a special day for the Ladies Man, because it is the only day of the whole year dedicated solely to gettin' it on.
Bill Clinton
After extensive consultation with my family, my staff, and my spiritual advisors, I have decided that honesty.....is.....a....bad.....policy.
(to "Hillary") Damn woman, you just tore me a new one.
I will not send ground troops to that country, Kosovo.
Celebrity Jeopardy
Sean Connery - "The day is mine.........I'll take Famous Titties for \$400." "Mr. Connery, thats Famous Title, not titties." "DAMN!"
Sean Connery - "I'll show you a finger, Trebek!"
Sean Connery - "Not a fan of the ladies, are you Trebek?"
Sean Connery - "I'll take the rapists for \$200." "That's therapists, Mr. Connery."
Sean Connery - "I'll play your game you rouge....."
Tom Cruise - "Help me Alex, help me.....help you.....help me.....help you"
Alex Trebek - "Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. Once again I would recommend that our viewers change the channel and watch something else."
Jeff Goldblum - "Ah..the LETTER 2" "No, the NUMBER 2" "Oh.....I can't read or write."
Adam Sandler - "Once again, something that could have been brought to MY ATTENTION YESTERDAY!"
Callista Flockheart - "The buzzer was too heavy."
Alex Trebek - "Mr Connery has answered 'V'. Well, I have news for you, my friend. V is a Roman numeral, so despite your best efforts, you have answered correctly. And you wagered.....'SUCK IT TREBEK'" "HA HA HA HA HA!!"
Burt Reynolds - "Hey, I speak a little French. You're an asswipe. Pardon my French .... heh heh." (French Stewart) "Hey...my name's French" (Burt Reynolds) "Yeah, well who gives a damn"
Random
Chris Kattan - "Mark Wholers called me a fag........"
Chris Kattan (on Old French Whore) - "I think my whore is dead........"
Will Ferell - "I DRIVE A SATURN!"
Chris Farley - "And just remember....no matter how dirtbaggy someone might look on the outside, underneath, they still got a heart. I should know.......I'm Bo Seafus.
Norm MacDonald - "Who the hell ate my peanut butter........? Peanut Butter!" "I guess I did." "Yeah, well its all gone. Next time ask. You wanna chip in, fine, but otherwise keep your grubby hands out of Bob Dole's peanut butter."
Norm MacDonald - "Bob Dole likes peanut butter. Bob Dole's never been afraid to admit that."
Dana Carvey - (as Tom Brokaw) "Gerald Ford dead today, at the senseless age of 83"
Dana Carvey - (as Tom Brokaw) "Gerald Ford dead today, after he was eaten by wolves. He was delicious."
Phil Hartman - (as Abe Saperstein, Globetrotters Owner) "I dont care what color you are, I dont care if you're green, or.....dark green, or.........lime green, or.......well you get the point."
Dana Carvey (as Ross Perot) "Now.....just wait a minute. Did I start talking Portuguese up here and not realize it?"
Dana Carvey (as Ross Perot) "So I was just sitting on my porch, just minding my own business, and this dog come up to me an says 'Hey, ain't you Ross Perot?' Well, I just about dropped a load. And you all know who the prime authority on talking dogs is? The Republican Party. I rest my case.
Norm MacDonald (as David Letterman) - "Later on we'll have actor Rober Woolby. You hear that Paul.......ROBERT WOLLBY. You....you a big fan of his Paul?" "Yeah, Robert Wollby, yeah great, great." "Yeah, well...he's got a new show over there on the....on the HBO. You....you a big fan of the HBO, Paul?" "Yeah, HBO, cable, good, yeah." "Yeah, hes got this new show....its called the Arliss show. You...you enjoy the Arliss show Paul?" "Yeah, Arliss show, yeah, great." "Yeah, well......he's Arliss..........HA HA HA! HA HA HA!"
More later
Um...to prevent myself from being screwed by some corporate lackeys, the above content, quotes, etc. is probably property of NBC Studios and is intended for.....oh hell. Don't......uh.....whatever.
